Lady Madness.

Two months gone already.

Time feels like it’s accelerating.

I can’t shake the feeling that I need to push harder this month—at work, with content and writing, with myself, with women.

Speaking of women, I had a sleepover.

A calculated move, just to help close the chapter on my ex.

It worked well. (for a day or two)

truly though, lots of thought & conversation went into it.

But it also reminded me of something—one of the coolest feelings out there:

Making coffee alone while lighting up a joint after a slow morning of sex. Then sending her on her way so I can sit down & write.

What did I like about February?

My best weeks I was sober, training hard, prioritizing work & content.

So lets do more of that.

I took a shot at something…

I had an interview

Took about 1.5 hours.

Honestly had such a great time. Loved it.

Steve is shocked

I think now he thinks I have a chance.

I think I gotta charm some more people first…

the girl situation is uhhhh…

interesting right now…

there’s not much happening inside of the heart of Foutsboy

the one that I want I can’t have…

& the other one that I want I can’t have…

& then there’s another who doesn’t feel like there’s much chemistry there…

& with the other one there’s no chemistry there… ya know?

But it’s actually kind of cool

& also good for me

less distraction, more focus on myself.

Meanwhile, entrepreneurship is whack.

The ups & downs are endless.

One day I’m relaxing at 11am cause all my work is done & I’ve been paid & I’m caught up.

The next day I’m behind on rent, scrambling to finish edits & book a shoot

It’s exciting no doubt

but I want consistency.

At least with the financial part. It’s been a year of being broke & I am over it.

Am I learning from my mistakes though?

What is more powerful?

A man who has held a thousand women & chooses to be with one

or

A man who waited to only be with one?

I feel like i am a pretty good texter

Most of the time i respond quick

& i even use emojis 😁😎😭😍😏

Phones make it easy to talk to anyone anytime, but that doesn’t mean we need to be connected to everyone.

I have some dear friends who I really enjoy who are terrible at texting back.

Instant messaging creates the expectation of immediate responses, but in real life, friendships weren’t historically maintained with constant communication.

In earlier times, people saw friends at work, weekly meetups, or occasionally—not all the time.

So… what if humans aren’t physically or emotionally designed to be close with many people at once?

Maybe ill change the way i view it

Instead of seeing delayed replies as a lack of care, recognize it as a natural limit on how many deep connections we can sustain.

🤷🏼‍♂️

New females coming are coming into my life

Hasn’t been this way in over a year.

The DM’s are poppin.

They ask me to lunch or coffee & I say yes

but then I don’t go.

This freedom is nice, but also scary.

I feel like I can have whatever I want, it’s dangerous.

but what do I really want?

The game is fun…

options are fun…

if I did find one, who could be the one, would I be ready for her?

Right now I’m enjoying the options & the company of many females as friends.

Tarzan is back in the jungle.

She asked so directly, so confidently—no mystery, no buildup, just straight to the point.

Refreshing at first

then strangely, excitement faded, like we had skipped to the end of the movie.

Perhaps the real fun is in the space between, in the teasing, the tension, the slow build.

A lingering glance, a held breath, the anticipation before anything actually happens.

It’s not just about getting there—it’s about the almost, the waiting, the chase, the game.

She played it so well… & I wanted to play more

Can we stay in the first half a little longer?

& enjoy the unspoken pull between two people

before that final moment

where everything collides.

“You’re addicting to watch…”

She said from across the table

No one has said it like that before… I thought to myself.

A common theme I’ve heard from others about my life

Fun to watch & they wanna see more

It’s a show, it’s a movie

The more livin you do, the better the plot.

The more chances, the more excitement

More risks, better thrill.

Maybe she wants to be in my movie…

Little does she know, she already is.

I saw my ex fiancé yesterday

We talked for 8 hours

Tons of memories flooding back as I watch her speak

But more that I had blocked out

The mind & body that captured my heart, now dancing in front of me again

I ached for her in the past

But it was different this time around.

I’m not sure what I was expected…

Half of me assumed I’d fall in love again

But when I hugged her goodbye & laid in bed alone

I was content.

Of course, her body felt so familiar to hold

But my heart was unshaken

6 years has passed.

& it seems like she’s stayed the same

Her fears & trauma & love & happiness

exactly how I remember her

She said I had gotten better with time

‘Of course I have… ‘ I thought.

I assumed everyone did…

But maybe that’s not the case.

I think I’m more perplexed that I didn’t want her back

Is my heart closed off?

Am I still hung up on my recent ex?

My walls fortified, mortified to let someone in.

Or am I exactly where I’m supposed to be.

Perhaps this was the healing I needed

To press even harder into myself

I’m emotional as I type this.

scared of who I’ve become,

while becoming someone I’m not scared to be.

I’m entering a new season of stability

I haven’t had this for a year +

being selfish with my energy has never felt so rewarding

I just wanna protect my space at all costs

I’m loving what I’m learning about myself

March was a month of freedom & discernment

My energy is precious

& I don’t wanna give it away anymore.

this time period is for Luke.

in January I was dying of loneliness. Aching for new friends & fulfilling work

Now, I have too many people reaching out

& I need a day off.

Haha

careful what you pray for, cause you’ll get it.